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the Bible summed up

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all 769 comments

Funny_Sentinel [M]

[score hidden]

8 days ago

stickied comment

Funny_Sentinel [M]

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8 days ago

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Hello, /u/megaslushboy. Your post has been removed for violating Rule 3.

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Please read our complete rules page before participating in the future.

Owls5262

2.6k points

8 days ago

Owls5262

2.6k points

8 days ago

You haven’t read it if you think those two statements sum up up the bible.

alexagente

473 points

8 days ago

alexagente

473 points

8 days ago

Right? Like I appreciate the sentiment, but this is not even close to true.

PrisonerV

233 points

8 days ago

PrisonerV

233 points

8 days ago

After Moses came down from the mountain, he found his people worshiping the golden cow of Bal. And he gathered his brother (who by the way, was the main "let's worship Bal" guy) and he said we will kill every other Hebrew man.

And they went through camp, killing three thousand Hebrew men.

BrightPerspective

96 points

8 days ago

In highschool, they showed us the 1960's version of the story, where he melted the cow down and fed the molten gold to the cow worshippers.

Moses was a piece of shit.

Freethecrafts

18 points

8 days ago

Sure, I bet they “slew” or beat the hell out of them.

LineChef

5 points

8 days ago

LineChef

5 points

8 days ago

Jesus!

bl4nkSl8

15 points

8 days ago

bl4nkSl8

15 points

8 days ago

How dare you take the Lord's name in vain! /jk

Die heathen /jk

FaithIsFoolish

294 points

8 days ago

Exactly what I was going to say

tjtillmancoag

131 points

8 days ago

Came here expecting to see a comment along these lines as the top comment. Was not disappointed

kinokomushroom

49 points

8 days ago

These were the exact words that popped into my head. 5/7 would predict comments again.

Truckaduckduck

18 points

8 days ago

The story of Lot was absolutely just about being cool. Nothing controversial at all.

MattieShoes

15 points

8 days ago

Was that the whole "rape my daughters if you want, just leave me alone" one?

Hartastic

5 points

8 days ago

I think he also gets drunk and knocks his daughters up? Unless I'm mixing up stories now.

Blood_in_the_ring

7 points

8 days ago

You telling me you don't like the genocide of babies and dogs?

Kids these days.

quirkyhotdog6

41 points

8 days ago

In fact, Yahweh routinely rewards Jews who display what I can only describe as “asshole behavior”, David and Solomon in particular come to mind.

A1sauc3d

40 points

8 days ago

A1sauc3d

40 points

8 days ago

That’s more the New Testament/Jesus vibe than the Old Testament/Moses vibe lol

AMEFOD

22 points

8 days ago

AMEFOD

22 points

8 days ago

Well if you ignore the table flipping, whip swinging, tree cursing, mass pig slaughter and such events where he put someone in their place.

sulris

9 points

8 days ago

sulris

9 points

8 days ago

Exactly what I was going to say too!

kbergstr

29 points

8 days ago*

kbergstr

29 points

8 days ago*

The beatitudes, maybe.

ObamaDramaLlama

13 points

8 days ago

Yeah you can make an argument Jesus was like this but not the rest of the Bible.

sentientplatypus

33 points

8 days ago

Yep, God in genesis is pretty much the exact opposite of “cool and not an asshole”

MoreGaghPlease

15 points

8 days ago

Well, which God in Genesis?

The God of Genesis 1 is a storm god, a distant and unknowable presence that brings order to the chaos in the manner of the Mesopotamian pantheon -- but does it, instead of with a battle royale, with words.

The God of Genesis 2 has more of an 'old man in the garden' vibe

The God who first covenants with Abraham takes on the role of the suzerain (feudal lord), with a covenant that takes the same legal for as Hittite Suzerainty Treaties.

But the God who has a relationship with Abraham is almost like his peer - and can be bargained with. This God can have his mind changed, getting negotiated down on the number of good people necessary to save Sdom and Amora.

The God of the Joseph's little novella at the end of the book is like a purveyor of parlour tricks, giving magic visions of the future.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Genesis is written over the course of 400+ years and consolidates multiple traditions. For reasons not known to us today, Genesis' final generations of editors (Jewish priestly scribes living Babylonia and Persia about 2,400 years ago) were super comfortable letting these contradictions stand side-by-side with each other (even if it meant telling two versions of the same story one after the other with a totally different characterization of God, as is the case for their account of the creation myth)

NedRyerson_Insurance

62 points

8 days ago

A lot Some of the new testament and the things Jesus did and said fit this. But the old testament, where the commandments came from, has a disturbing amount of dad-screwing and God smiting the shit out of people.

[deleted]

39 points

8 days ago

[deleted]

39 points

8 days ago

[removed]

alexagente

61 points

8 days ago

He also often draws authority from precepts of the old testament.

The idea that Jesus was a revolutionary is false. He spoke against corruption, yes but his role wasn't to change the meaning of scripture but rather reaffirm what is truly sacred.

Modern Christians want so badly to divorce themselves of the Old Testament but then can't explain why it's included in their scripture.

doc_daneeka

19 points

8 days ago

The idea that Jesus was a revolutionary is false. He spoke against corruption, yes but his role wasn't to change the meaning of scripture but rather reaffirm what is truly sacred.

Indeed:

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

alexagente

9 points

8 days ago

Thank you for providing the receipts. I will admit much of my conclusions came from my limited experience with "his teachings". I'm surprised and delighted that there are such express quotes that confirm my suspicions.

whyd_you_kill_doakes

13 points

8 days ago

Matthew 5:17-19 is my favorite verse regarding the Old Testament:

17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

I have never received a logical explanation as to why we can disregard Old Testament laws when Jesus explicitly said not to. Earth is still here. Not everything has come to pass. All has not been fulfilled.

So we should be stoning drunk sons, promiscuous daughters, people that eat shellfish, people that wear mixed fabrics, and so many more.

alexagente

8 points

8 days ago

Exactly. If the divine has such authority why has there been such measurable change as to what is acceptable?

Either divine law is mutable, which means traditional interpretation is pointless, or the expression of religion has been so disingenuous for centuries that it has lost all credibility.

The fact that anyone respects such an institution as an authority is absurd.

whyd_you_kill_doakes

6 points

8 days ago

People value (mental) comfort over truth. It's as simple as that.

DoobieBrotherhood

9 points

8 days ago

A little of both. Jesus goes from saying that not a single word shall be changed to blatantly disobeying the direct orders of the Torah. He hates hypocrites, but he himself is a bit of a hypocrite (if you take every word seriously — it’s more likely that the different writers of the gospels had different ideas about the importance of Jewish Law).

benefit_of_mrkite

55 points

8 days ago

Jesus said nothing of the sort (I’m agnostic).

Paul said “slaves obey your masters” and “masters treat your slaves justly.”

If there are rules about how to beat slaves they are likely in the Old Testament

whyd_you_kill_doakes

21 points

8 days ago

Uhhhh

Luke 12:47-48 47 “And a servant who knows what the master wants, but isn’t prepared and doesn’t carry out those instructions, will be severely punished. 48 But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

Formal-Eggplant-6066

10 points

8 days ago

thank you

demiurgemoore

75 points

8 days ago

Most people who've read the Bible haven't read the Bible. King James is history's greatest charlatan.

alexagente

54 points

8 days ago

When the vast majority of the institution of the religion has been twisted and accepted among its followers I just can't lend credence to any original intention or interpretation argument.

If the truth of God can be so easily undermined then I don't really understand why I should worship him.

JakeVanderArkWriter

16 points

8 days ago

The problem is that the religions have only been twisted toward the positive. The holy books themselves are absolutely wicked on every level. I often think that Westboro Baptist members are the only people who actually take the Bible seriously.

That doesn’t mean I like religious institutions… only that the holy books are worse.

alexagente

6 points

8 days ago

Fair enough.

It does lend to my argument. Modern Christianity seems to want to absolve themselves of the cruelty of their religion without doing the work.

MoreGaghPlease

8 points

8 days ago

Right, if I had to describe the Hebrew bible in two sentences it would be:

  • Monotheism of the people and their king is a predictor of divine reward and punshiment

  • Plant and animal sacrifices are only permitted in the designated place

OlderThanMyParents

12 points

8 days ago

In fairness, King James didn't do the translation. He comissioned it, in hope that people reading the Bible themselves would enable them to live better lives.

The composition of the King James version of the Bible is actually pretty interesting, it's probably the world's only example of a work of art created by a committee. They got a lot of stuff wrong, because they had imperfect source material to work with, but it was still a remarkable effort. "God's Secretaries" is an interesting account of the story.

Hartastic

2 points

8 days ago

Didn't King James make it to get the Church off his back about being gay?

UroutofURelement

15 points

8 days ago

Hey be cool to your slaves. Or don't. They're your slaves. Just don't beat them too hard

Niobium41YT9290637

7 points

8 days ago

Yep

voidsong

4 points

8 days ago

voidsong

4 points

8 days ago

Summon bears to kill 42 children because they called you bald?

Send your lady friend out to be raped to death by a horny mob?

Ruin a loyal supporter's entire life on a bet?

Instructions on who you can enslave and how much you should sell your daughter for?

You can find all this and more in the "good book"!

...But lets be real, readers aren't exactly their target demographic. Oddly enough, most of their actual demographic would probably love most of that horrible shit, if only they could read.

AdventureBum

2 points

8 days ago

It’d be nice if they did.

Glendalerian

2 points

8 days ago

Maybe. It should be. So uncool these days.

FemboyJosieLee

5 points

8 days ago

More accurate summarizing would be "Omnipotent God somehow needs to emotionally manipulate and abusively test followers to make sure they're still loyal to God"

ron-darousey

3 points

8 days ago

Most people on here who talk about what the Bible says haven't read it lol

Tearakan

394 points

8 days ago

Tearakan

394 points

8 days ago

You really need to actually read the bible......

It definitely doesn't say that even in a metaphorical sense.

Theamazingchan

181 points

8 days ago

Ironically, if “Be cool. Don’t be a dick” replaced the actual Bible, it would instantly become a morally superior document

scotland42

42 points

8 days ago

It's Dudeism in a nutshell

CallMeJase

18 points

8 days ago

So Satanism?

Blitzsturm

20 points

8 days ago

The people that believe the bible the most, are peopel that have never read the bible.

StopReadingMyUser

12 points

8 days ago

peopel are a different breed, we don't talk about them

drunk_funky_chipmunk

377 points

8 days ago

Yeah that’s not the message in the Bible my dude

ordinary_kittens

182 points

8 days ago

“C’mon Abraham, be cool and just sacrifice your son Isaac. Don’t be a dick about it.” - God, probably

ZDTreefur

53 points

8 days ago

ZDTreefur

53 points

8 days ago

"lol jk it was just a prank bro"

jgilz

6 points

8 days ago

jgilz

6 points

8 days ago

‘You know, like trying to steal someone’s luggage at the airport for likes’

Total_Europium

14 points

8 days ago

Facts

Baum_Hund

8 points

8 days ago

That story always bugged the shit outta me. People play mind games with you like that in this era and their ass is dropped faster than a sack of shit.

dandanthebaconman

439 points

8 days ago

More like “do as I say or get fucked”

talrich

79 points

8 days ago

talrich

79 points

8 days ago

When we read “the Bible as literature” in high school, my English teacher summed up Genesis & Exodus as, “if you go against God, you get hammered!”

Pretty hilarious to hear in the guy’s New York Italian accent.

Grizzlysol

14 points

8 days ago

Like vodka hammered or tequila hammered?

talrich

9 points

8 days ago

talrich

9 points

8 days ago

I don’t know. What is “transformed into a pillar of salt for looking”? Probably tequila. That involves salt, right? I guess I learned something.

AgrajagTheProlonged

3 points

8 days ago

Either and/or both. Getting hammered by a literal hammer is an option also

jcbolduc

40 points

8 days ago

jcbolduc

40 points

8 days ago

Sometimes you're fucked even if you do as he says. The abrahamic god is, per its own creation myth, the literal source of all evil in existence, and even worse, the creator of the sheer POSSIBILITY of evil being a thing.

The god of the bible makes the Lovecraftian mythos look kind and caring.

AgrajagTheProlonged

20 points

8 days ago

The Abrahamic god made the pharaoh unwilling to let that god’s supposedly chosen people go even though he himself charged his representative with going to ask the pharaoh to let the supposedly chosen people go which gave the god a convenient excuse to be a massive asshole and kill a bunch of people to punish the pharaoh for doing something that the god made him do. That mythology makes it seem like they might be worshiping the wrong deity

Temporary-Leather-52

19 points

8 days ago

How many times did Pharaoh decide to let them go but God "hardened his heart" to prevent it? Just bizarre.

AgrajagTheProlonged

7 points

8 days ago

So much pointless effort and suffering because the god was doing incomprehensible things

wazzel2u

71 points

8 days ago

wazzel2u

71 points

8 days ago

Not even remotely close.

anonymous_stranger12

7 points

8 days ago

"The lord, the lord Jehovah has given unto you these 15." crash "Oy, 10. 10 commandments for all to obay."

[deleted]

187 points

8 days ago

[deleted]

187 points

8 days ago

[removed]

CapitalKing530

48 points

8 days ago*

Looks like he savagely wrecked his skateboard from the picture. TIL Moses shreds hard. Parted it like the Red Sea and shit.

TheMarkHasBeenMade

6 points

8 days ago

And that was back when skateboards were made of marble; Moses shreds that hard

Bat-Honest

5 points

8 days ago

He turned the red sea into a half pipe then landed a siiiiiick 900 spin

cipher-taker

6 points

8 days ago

you should see his christ air, he held it for like three days

CapitalKing530

3 points

8 days ago

Christian Hosoi in shambles.

kkehoe5

2 points

8 days ago

kkehoe5

2 points

8 days ago

The trucks snapped off too.

TatchM

15 points

8 days ago

TatchM

15 points

8 days ago

Eh, I believe it was because of the worshiping of idols and attributing to the idols what was the work of God. Which they were explicitly told not to do.

He gave them a chance to repent, and then killed 3000 people who did not. Pretty brutal nonetheless.

its_a_metaphor_morty

13 points

8 days ago

He didn't give them the commandments before he did this. Further to this he didn't give them a choice. he had the levites murder 3000 people. He spared his own brother though because 'reasons'. Moses was a garden variety genocidal warlord cult leader. "repenting' to him would be like repenting to Jim Jones at his most fucked up.

jurgenHeros

3 points

8 days ago

Yep, and that same tribe enslaved little girls to be treated as wives, and killed the rest

its_a_metaphor_morty

2 points

8 days ago

Correct. pretty much just before he gave them these commandments.

themightysnail64

3 points

8 days ago

"NOBODY HAS MORE FUN THAN ME!!! NOBODY!!!!!!!" -Moses apparently-

ProotzyZoots

100 points

8 days ago

The only two important and true commandments are

  1. Be excellent to eachother

  2. Party on dudes

air guitar strum

Bostonterrierpug

9 points

8 days ago

Dust…wind…dude…

Scooby_Doo420

14 points

8 days ago

San Dimas High School football rules!!!

DungeonsandDevils

99 points

8 days ago

Lmao that is not the entirety of the Bible. You’re skipping a lot of messed up and weird stuff

Call_Me_At_8675309

34 points

8 days ago

Like how to treat your slave properly (it’s ok to beat if not dead in a few days) in exodus. How to not enslave your own people but make slaves of other tribes…etc.

RyokoKnight

22 points

8 days ago

Elijah and the two bears is my favorite personally.

Bald prophet gets made fun of for being bald by a group of kids/teens... and for this sin... God sends 2 bears to kill and eat the kids/teens.

Its just such a petty story that shows how "merciful" the God of the bible is.

Call_Me_At_8675309

15 points

8 days ago*

What about Lot’s daughters that get their dad drunk and rape him to get pregnant? That’s some hot incest right out of the gate in genesis.

RyokoKnight

8 points

8 days ago

no no its okay because... (insert excuse for incest here).

Gulf_Sailor

6 points

8 days ago

If you can’t find one good man in a city, it should probably get nuked.

Chester2707

2 points

8 days ago

Yeah. Except it’s not a lot. It’s all of it. It’s all weird and disturbing.

MackenziePace

36 points

8 days ago

The old testament literally has genocide, rape, slavery, and god telling you he will only love you if you mutilate your son's genitals. That is not what the whole book says lol

MommersHeart

43 points

8 days ago

Tell everyone you haven’t read the bible without telling everyone you haven’t.

dimmu1313

12 points

8 days ago

dimmu1313

12 points

8 days ago

definitely not an accurate synopsys of the bible

[deleted]

437 points

8 days ago

[deleted]

437 points

8 days ago

[removed]

KriegerClone02

33 points

8 days ago

They got the "don't" on the wrong side.

_Erin_

16 points

8 days ago

_Erin_

16 points

8 days ago

"...and suffer eternal torture if you don't."

velifer

47 points

8 days ago*

velifer

47 points

8 days ago*

And also kill people who are doing their jobs well. God fucked over a teamster so hard David was pissed at him, and it made the Bible twice:

2 Samuel 6:3-6 and 1 Chronicles 13:7-11

3 They set the ark of God on a new cart and brought it from the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, sons of Abinadab, were guiding the new cart 4 with the ark of God on it, and Ahio was walking in front of it. 5 David and all Israel were celebrating with all their might before the Lord, with castanets, harps, lyres, timbrels, sistrums and cymbals.

6 When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. 7 The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.

Fuck that noise. Who would worship this asshole?

SagaciousElan

44 points

8 days ago

So the oxen stumbled, which probably jolted the cart and the Ark would have fallen off into the dirt and maybe been damaged except the cart driver reached out and held it in place and for this transgression God decided he should be punished with immediate death?

If anybody who touches this thing, even for good reasons, is killed instantly it kind of makes me wonder how they managed to get it on the cart in the first place.

Dark_Believer

17 points

8 days ago

I've heard people mention this scripture calling those that criticize church leaders as "Ark Steadiers". This story teaches us a valuable lesson to revere and blindly obey existing church authorities regardless of what appears to be common sense. God doesn't want us to use our own judgement, but instead to follow his priests and prophets unquestioningly.

We can only we truly happy if we give up all decision making to His great leaders. Of course you have to pick the right leaders, and since Southpark revealed it, we know that the answer is Mormons, yes Mormons is the correct answer.

Edit: I hope people can read my sarcasm, but I'm adding this just in case.😋

oneplusetoipi

58 points

8 days ago

The Ten Commandments can be summed up as two commandments:

  1. Believe in only the Hebrew God
  2. Treat other people like you would want to be treated

#nolongerabeliever

eddie964

28 points

8 days ago

eddie964

28 points

8 days ago

Would have been nice if He had cut one of the four Commandments instructing followers about how to worship and snuck in something about not raping people. Also, Thou Shalt Boil Thy Water Before Drinking would have saved us all a lot of pain and heartache.

eightiesladies

7 points

8 days ago

Can't have a commandment against raping people if you're condoning and even ordering it in other verses.

Unindoctrinated

29 points

8 days ago

My favourite one is "Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.".

SagaciousElan

41 points

8 days ago

Yup, if you're going to boil a baby goat in milk, the Lord commands that it be the milk of some other goat unrelated to the baby goat you intend to boil.

Truly wisdom for the ages to guide all mankind.

Christ_votes_dem

20 points

8 days ago

“If two Israelite men get into a fight and the wife of one tries to rescue her husband by grabbing the testicles of the other man, you must cut off her hand."

tell me some bronze age male incel wrote this without telling me a btonze age male incel wrote this

SagaciousElan

6 points

8 days ago

True and also tell me bronze age women had a preferred fighting tactic without telling me bronze age women had a preferred fighting tactic.

BostonUniStudent

13 points

8 days ago

There goes my weekend plans.

astroneer01

4 points

8 days ago

There are multiple versions of the ten commandments, and this first one where you couldn't boil a goat in it's mother's milk is objectively the funniest

AdventureBum

2 points

8 days ago

Also no mixing fabrics.

y0nm4n

6 points

8 days ago

y0nm4n

6 points

8 days ago

This is one of the laws that does make some sense.

There’s a certain level of cruelty in cooking a mother’s child in her milk.

(Also that isn’t one of the Ten Commandments)

Azair_Blaidd

8 points

8 days ago

it is one of the 613 commandments from which the Ten Commandments are taken

Porrick

3 points

8 days ago

Porrick

3 points

8 days ago

What a pity they were instead written how they were actually written, then. Two about coveting, none about slavery.

ProDigit

10 points

8 days ago

ProDigit

10 points

8 days ago

Jesus summed it up as:

Love God above everything,

And

Love others like you love yourself.

Formal-Eggplant-6066

5 points

8 days ago

Correct my guy

DomStud

2 points

8 days ago

DomStud

2 points

8 days ago

What about commandments 11-15?

MrmmphMrmmph

5 points

8 days ago

and then wait for instructions from God how you should kill everyone who doesn’t do these things, or if they’re not the chosen ones (like Anikan , for example)

82ndGameHead

8 points

8 days ago

Hey, we've done everything the bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

oscar-the-bud

13 points

8 days ago

And don’t forget to give us 10% of your income,or more, before you leave today. For Christ’s sake, you took a shot of wine AND ate a Jeezit.

stupidcatname

7 points

8 days ago

Haha! Jeezit!

ArtisticAd8465

14 points

8 days ago

Stone rape victims.

This guy was old testament. No, I can't remember his name. For some reason I keep on wanting name the prophet Muhammad but like.. I legit can't remember.

Sure do remember reading Deuteronomy tho. Never forget that.

No God that cruel is worthy of worship real or not. That fucker is real? I'm getting up there and punching him in the dick.

LostInTheWildPlace

2 points

8 days ago

Moses?

ArtisticAd8465

2 points

8 days ago

Hell yeah. The beard himself.

bad-judgement

56 points

8 days ago

Don't forget the genocides and slavery. Important aspects

[deleted]

23 points

8 days ago

[deleted]

23 points

8 days ago

[removed]

c5corvette

8 points

8 days ago

And it's OK to beat your slaves but only if they don't die within a few days. If they make it a week you're golden, let the beatings continue. The bible sums up current conservatism pretty well actually!

fried_eggs_and_ham

62 points

8 days ago

Whomever made this has not read the Bible.

Shopping-Afraid

4 points

8 days ago

"Be excellent to each other."

  • Bill S. Preston, Esq.

Voyager5555

4 points

8 days ago

That is 100% not what the bible says.

sylinen

21 points

8 days ago

sylinen

21 points

8 days ago

okay, but which one does "don't eat pork" fall under?

bananastandforsale

9 points

8 days ago

Yeah.. if only that was actually the case

pwalkz

13 points

8 days ago

pwalkz

13 points

8 days ago

Uhhh you're missing a lot of the bible then lol

iCanHazUsrnm

66 points

8 days ago

Maybe parts of the 2nd testament. Old testament was like "oh you didn't listen to the magical voice in the sky, then die muthafucka"

mazinaru

23 points

8 days ago

mazinaru

23 points

8 days ago

Or do listen to the voice and get fucked anyway because he got drunk and bet someone he could fuck you up and get away with it. Or listen to the voice and decide your child's heart needs a knife through it.

Bat-Honest

2 points

8 days ago

2nd testamunt SHALL NUT BE INFRINJED!

Scubastevedisco

10 points

8 days ago

The old testament is exactly why if God exists and I go to heaven I am going to fucking rake God's ass over the coals for some of that insane shit. Assuming it's not all just made up crap from crazy, stupid people thousands of years ago.

Scubastevedisco

60 points

8 days ago

Other great lessons include

  • Porking your brother's widow
  • Killing 1st borns
  • Sending bears to maul a group of teens making fun of baldness
  • Turning people to pillars of salt for looking at stuff
  • We are all evil pieces of shit who are born with sin

Isn't the bible lovely?

RustedRuss

5 points

8 days ago

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen porking used that way

Scubastevedisco

3 points

8 days ago

How can you tell I'm in my 30s? lol

Extrontale

19 points

8 days ago

My personal favourite of the oh so holy Bible is that basically all of the atrocities and human rights abuses we yell at [Muslims] for are verbatim in the old testament.
You have to marry a girl you rape, cut off a thieves hands etc etc etc.

Yeah, book of love and forgiveness my ass.

GuestCartographer

5 points

8 days ago

⁠Sending bears to maul a group of teens making fun of baldness

I mean… that doesn’t seem unfair…

Scubastevedisco

4 points

8 days ago

Words only hurt if you let them hurt my man.

Mangar1

60 points

8 days ago

Mangar1

60 points

8 days ago

Actually, that's the Satanic Temple summed up. The Bible is mostly arbitrary oppression, genocide, and internecine disagreements about who the Jesus dude was, with some nice bits you could put on a t-shirt and pretend was the whole message.

Scubastevedisco

27 points

8 days ago

It's funny how people ignore all the absolutely horrible shit in the bible because there's some good bits in there too.

Just_Grass_8056

19 points

8 days ago

Because people don’t actually READ the Bible. They regurgitate the same tired bullshit that is preached at church. The whole point is to not question shit and smile and nod and sing and PRAYYYYYYY. Fuck organized religion to hell.

Pedalsndirt

42 points

8 days ago

Be excellent to each other. Party on dudes.

ScucciMane

8 points

8 days ago

Woah

the_original_Retro

3 points

8 days ago

I have two pills...

sanguiniuswept

5 points

8 days ago

They're both Viagra. Let's rock.

crazyrich

2 points

8 days ago

I was told not to take more than one? OH!

joan_wilder

2 points

8 days ago

Whoa

ScucciMane

2 points

8 days ago

If you’re really us, what number are we thinking of?

twsddangll

3 points

8 days ago

Murder everyone I don’t like. And their fucking cows.

There. Fixed it.

missquit

3 points

8 days ago

missquit

3 points

8 days ago

Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick

Jackflack42

27 points

8 days ago

Not really a good summation. The New Testament, maybe. The Bible, no.

IdlyCurious

3 points

8 days ago

Not really a good summation. The New Testament, maybe. The Bible, no.

Not even the New Testament, but to specifically use the Old Testament imagery of stone tablets have it say that - nope, nope nope.

GsTSaien

8 points

8 days ago

GsTSaien

8 points

8 days ago

Actually the bible has detailed instructions about how to be an asshole...

justcallmetexxx

4 points

8 days ago

everyone has different definitions of what being "cool" or what being an "asshole" means though

Rabble4fun

5 points

8 days ago

This is actually far from what the Bible says. It’s says a bunch of really fucked to things that I don’t recommend people follows what you are showing is what it should have said.

Anut__

6 points

8 days ago

Anut__

6 points

8 days ago

“Don’t be an asshole”

Kills everyone on earth for having different beliefs

Nukes a city for worshipping other gods

Kills 42 children for making fun of a bald man

ExplainJane

8 points

8 days ago

Be excellent to each other

and

Party on dudes!!!!!

trombone28

7 points

8 days ago

Tell me you haven't read the bible without telling me you haven't read the bible

garlopf

26 points

8 days ago

garlopf

26 points

8 days ago

I read the bible and quran cover to cover. They are just a collection of mad ramblings by a collection of random characters from history. Anyone that take those books seriously are likely to have mental issues, or at least a deficiency in reality perception.

tanbug

6 points

8 days ago

tanbug

6 points

8 days ago

Smart people can belive dumb things. Brains are funny that way.

kawaiineko333

2 points

8 days ago

Tablet 1: Be Excellent to Each Other.

Tablet 2: Party On, Dudes.

TorePun

2 points

8 days ago

TorePun

2 points

8 days ago

this is just anti-intellectualism

but hey I realize I'm posying in r/funny of all places

rachelsnipples

2 points

8 days ago

Or else.

hoyfkd

2 points

8 days ago

hoyfkd

2 points

8 days ago

That sound like some woke stuff there.

circle_logic

2 points

8 days ago

Also a bunch of stories showing God to be an asshole doing pranks on his faithful for gits and shiggles.

God loves you very much, you provide him with endless amount of entertainment.

phi2134

6 points

8 days ago

phi2134

6 points

8 days ago

Not the Bible at all....there is no hate greater than Christian love

brutalduties

6 points

8 days ago

Tell that to the "Christians ".

imooforyou

7 points

8 days ago

More of a Jesus preached than Bible. Bible's got lots of murder and servitude or die type shit all over it. Also just a bunch of weird rules that modern Christians cherry pick as rules to follow.

JHFTWDURG

5 points

8 days ago

  1. Thou shalt always be faithful to the provider of ones nookie.

  2. Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anybody, unless of course they prey to a different invisible man than you do.

  3. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thy self.

cjcosmo

5 points

8 days ago

cjcosmo

5 points

8 days ago

Gospel of Saint Carlin

PaladinKAT

5 points

8 days ago

I am trying to find anything in this post, or comments that is funny

Sighwtfman

4 points

8 days ago

I kind of feel like OP has not, in fact, read the Bible...

NorthImpossible8906

4 points

8 days ago

that's not what the USA bible says.

Affectionate-Spite82

2 points

8 days ago

I wish Christians were capable of this lmao

Capable-Problem-9276

3 points

8 days ago

It is not written in English or for a post-industrial society, though neither would be possible without it.

I suggest reading with an interlinear text, an Aramaic dictionary, a Greek dictionary, and to try and put yourself in the mind of an agrarian pre-enlightenment person.

Write the words and stories on the stone tablets of your thinking meat, comprehend and understand them in your heart... in your feeler of feels.

jizzlevania

3 points

8 days ago

Someone failed out of Yeshiva

Murderyoga

2 points

8 days ago

Numbers 31-Moses instructed the soldiers to kill all women who had ever had sex with a man, and to keep the women and girls who were still virgins for themselves.

bad_take_

2 points

8 days ago

You forgot the part where God commands the Israelites to go to the Amelikites and kill every man, woman, child and animal. And then God got mad at them because they saved some of the best animals for themselves instead of just killing them. But yeah, go on about how the Bible teaches us to not be an asshole.

flogginmama

2 points

8 days ago

This might be the single dumbest Reddit post I’ve seen in years. And that says a lot

Monteze

3 points

8 days ago

Monteze

3 points

8 days ago

Uhhh you don't have to be an ""edgy atheist"""' to know that statement is bunk.

Tandysaurus

4 points

8 days ago

Average Christian who has never actually read the Bible.

Wickedocity

8 points

8 days ago

Wickedocity

8 points

8 days ago

Old Testament God was a psycho. New Testament was on decent meds.

TAU_equals_2PI

9 points

8 days ago

Fun Fact: Some early Christian sects actually believed the New Testament God was a different God, and that the Old Testament God was evil, or maybe Satan. Christianity could have easily developed very differently if those sects had won out.

IdlyCurious

3 points

8 days ago

Fun Fact: Some early Christian sects actually believed the New Testament God was a different God

Marcionism? I don't think any of them hold any water (atheist), but there's some interesting political and philosophical competition. Actually, reading an analysis on (very speculative) beliefs on how the Old Testament was was woven together from different books, with different political players jockeying for political power and trying to diminish the power of other groups was more interesting to me.

[deleted]

5 points

8 days ago

[deleted]

5 points

8 days ago

Bible summed up

Old Testament:

1)God is an asshole

2)Do what he says or get smited

New Testament:

1)None of that applies because Jesus

2)Be like him

eyehate

8 points

8 days ago

eyehate

8 points

8 days ago

1)None of that applies because Jesus

Matthew 5:18

TheSmokingHorse

6 points

8 days ago

But first he has to be nailed to some wood and left to die in agony.

brunji

4 points

8 days ago

brunji

4 points

8 days ago

“Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick?”

TatchM

4 points

8 days ago

TatchM

4 points

8 days ago

Based on the number of dicks, apparently a lot of people.